Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
One
I asked another guy friend the other day, how come these feelings feel like they're me? They're moody and they can come and go whenever they like. I simply can't explain.
Or maybe not, maybe there's another story, another feeling I try to hide. Always but cannot.
Okay, let me tell you first my story. On how I came to undeniably like this guy I'm friends with and, though, it's most difficult to say, the only person I can trust outside of my family. I can only tell this fact to him in a subtle manner because of, obviously, my pride and maybe because of my choleric temperament. Then again, it was never an excuse for me. If I have to get over it, I have to and I'll do it but yep, luckily, I cannot.
March is soon ending and weeks before I was ever so ecstatic because of my plans for the summer --- applying for an internship and possibly saving enough for a trip to Singapore --- and I admit I just have to get away from all these feelings and emotions.
How do you know if you're in love anyway? Have you ever felt that feeling? I think I did already but to myself, it's hard enough to admit because I never got the ones I have felt these emotions to. Take that February incident for example, I got into a secret fight --- that's what girls have other than cat fights --- with one of my closest friends in college. And I have this girl who calls me her best friend... I'm really sorry that I don't treat her like one. Simple titles matter to me, if you're going to call me your "best friend" then you have to be one. She tells me things about this guy I had a crush on and that he has a crush on me back then. I already chose to forget by then but yes, I'm weak on these things. Low tolerance, that should be the term. I came on liking him back but hesitant because of my other girl friend. Obviously, she likes him and I know I might've been the one who gave them the chance to be together. I eventually got twitterpatted everytime I hear his name and weirdly, I don't talk to my crushes. That's my shy side. I know we have a lot in common but I tried to hide the feelings that these might induce, the hope that would come sparkling through that crystal glass when I hear another beautiful word that would pertain to our commonalities. Fast forward, in the end, I had to let go. I have to sacrifice because... simple, I value friendship more. If it's bound to happen, it will happen. There would be no stopping it.
Anyway, let's just shift this topic to today.
I slept at a friend's condo unit last night to finish a project. Surprisingly, I enjoy making a website for this. I had no intentions of going to school and taking off my sleep clothes until I, honestly, felt like I'm smelling bad already.
He texted me first, just the casual introductory message of "what's up?" and I replied after a few minutes. How can I reply to him that I have already told myself endlessly that I should stop entertaining this and these feelings. Well, good for me, the feelings seem like going away for sometime but it acts like a colds virus, the virus attaches itself to you and you just get the disease. But yeah, I've managed to deafen my inner voice already when it concerns these emotions.
I know all these ramblings are random enough for anyone's understanding. I'll continue.
Truth be told, everytime we don't communicate, there's this tingly feeling of missing him. I know this is attachment and I've told myself before to get detached already. Everything's gonna end eventually and I have a future to look forward to and I have to regain my intellectual way of weighing things. Plus, he likes another girl. It's fucking time to wake up. I'm not some piece of female shit who's just gonna go down because of a boy... slightly immature at that. Where have your standards gone? Have you lost it? Have you? Have you?
It's basically because of my fault, of me deciding that I should open up more to the people around me. I've read once in a book, J.D Salinger's Catcher in the Rye,
Or maybe not, maybe there's another story, another feeling I try to hide. Always but cannot.
Okay, let me tell you first my story. On how I came to undeniably like this guy I'm friends with and, though, it's most difficult to say, the only person I can trust outside of my family. I can only tell this fact to him in a subtle manner because of, obviously, my pride and maybe because of my choleric temperament. Then again, it was never an excuse for me. If I have to get over it, I have to and I'll do it but yep, luckily, I cannot.
March is soon ending and weeks before I was ever so ecstatic because of my plans for the summer --- applying for an internship and possibly saving enough for a trip to Singapore --- and I admit I just have to get away from all these feelings and emotions.
How do you know if you're in love anyway? Have you ever felt that feeling? I think I did already but to myself, it's hard enough to admit because I never got the ones I have felt these emotions to. Take that February incident for example, I got into a secret fight --- that's what girls have other than cat fights --- with one of my closest friends in college. And I have this girl who calls me her best friend... I'm really sorry that I don't treat her like one. Simple titles matter to me, if you're going to call me your "best friend" then you have to be one. She tells me things about this guy I had a crush on and that he has a crush on me back then. I already chose to forget by then but yes, I'm weak on these things. Low tolerance, that should be the term. I came on liking him back but hesitant because of my other girl friend. Obviously, she likes him and I know I might've been the one who gave them the chance to be together. I eventually got twitterpatted everytime I hear his name and weirdly, I don't talk to my crushes. That's my shy side. I know we have a lot in common but I tried to hide the feelings that these might induce, the hope that would come sparkling through that crystal glass when I hear another beautiful word that would pertain to our commonalities. Fast forward, in the end, I had to let go. I have to sacrifice because... simple, I value friendship more. If it's bound to happen, it will happen. There would be no stopping it.
Anyway, let's just shift this topic to today.
I slept at a friend's condo unit last night to finish a project. Surprisingly, I enjoy making a website for this. I had no intentions of going to school and taking off my sleep clothes until I, honestly, felt like I'm smelling bad already.
He texted me first, just the casual introductory message of "what's up?" and I replied after a few minutes. How can I reply to him that I have already told myself endlessly that I should stop entertaining this and these feelings. Well, good for me, the feelings seem like going away for sometime but it acts like a colds virus, the virus attaches itself to you and you just get the disease. But yeah, I've managed to deafen my inner voice already when it concerns these emotions.
I know all these ramblings are random enough for anyone's understanding. I'll continue.
Truth be told, everytime we don't communicate, there's this tingly feeling of missing him. I know this is attachment and I've told myself before to get detached already. Everything's gonna end eventually and I have a future to look forward to and I have to regain my intellectual way of weighing things. Plus, he likes another girl. It's fucking time to wake up. I'm not some piece of female shit who's just gonna go down because of a boy... slightly immature at that. Where have your standards gone? Have you lost it? Have you? Have you?
It's basically because of my fault, of me deciding that I should open up more to the people around me. I've read once in a book, J.D Salinger's Catcher in the Rye,
"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."
Yes, it's true. And one thing that must've gotten into me is that stupid reading thing a blockmate thing told me: that I'm in a shell. There goes the implication that I should get out of it if I have to get the things I want. And another thing I have to admit is that I already want to experience how having a boyfriend is such a major life decision. Very silly, in fact.
Also, there's this another thought that what if. Just what if he tells me the things he said to the girl he liked, would I accept it or make an excuse and leave? I don't know really but I have this sentence in mind, "let's see after five years and if you still like me, then, yes."
Who am I kidding.
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